A mother's confession...

She daily sits in her wheelchair, a blank stare on her face, gazing out the picture window at birds splashing and gulping water from an aluminum pan he fills every morning...this pan satisfies two needs: their thirst and her desire to connect with the outside world .
So I sit at the table, attempting to strike up a conversation and connect with her...I do try, but despite my best efforts, there's nothing there. Oh, once and a while she'll bring up something from her past or the usual, 'Have you talked to____________', to which I repeat what I've told her previously.

The temperature has been so hot that she cannot go out during the day and so she sits...and stares. Sometimes the silence is so loud it hurts my ears. Other times I wrestle with guilt for not knowing my mother or 'working hard enough' to know her. This is the woman that gave me birth, raised me, took me to all the various lessons parents take kids in order for them to 'become' something amazing when they grow up.
But she also taught me things I wish I'd never learned. She didn't intentionally teach me those things...I don't believe any mother wants to teach her children to be manipulative, angry, bossy, pushy, self-centered...every mom I know does her best to teach her children to respect others, love the unlovely and work hard. Yet, left unchecked and not intentionally worked on, the former are 'qualities' kids become experts at...I'm no exception.

 I wiped the tears off my cheeks today as I listened to spoken words that stung my heart, brought conviction as well as healing about my role as mother. Sometimes the truth does sting, but it's medicine that brings health.

We are nurturers, right? But when does nurturing turn to smothering? At what age do we, as moms, stop telling and begin suggesting things to our boys? When do we let the circumstances of our children's life awaken them to pain that will forge character to develop or do we continue to circumvent their pain because it hurts us to see them suffer?
These were the questions that ran through my mind today...I've been guilty and now that I've been made aware of my behavior, I know there are eternal changes coming...

As I've been praying for answers to the 'do we homeschool this year' or 'do we do something different' question, I've been reminded, once again, that these young warriors He's blessed me to love and care for ARE NOT MINE. I don't own them or their future...and Daddy has been working daily to show me how to stop micromanaging them and begin to allow them to grow up.

We're all growing up!
until next time...